Why it is the Fear of Success that Holds Us Back, Not the Fear of Failure
It isn’t the fear of failure that’s holding most of us back, it’s the fear of success. Yep, that’s right! Not the fear of failure but of achievement. Achievement often implies “work,” yes, there is a lot of showing up and actually doing the work that leads to “success.”
It is work to confront your shadow.
It is work to unlearn your conditioning.
It is work to be vulnerable.
It is work to sit with the trauma.
It is work to sit with the darkness.
And it is an achievement to show up for yourself and as yourself time and time again.
It is about aligning and flowing when called. Your work to (and for) yourself is a big part of your life’s, your soul’s, journey.
But let’s back up for a second. I don't want to confuse the aforementioned “work” with the grind of late-stage capitalism. No, no, here I am talking about the resistance to the insatiable hustle of being a cog in the machine.
In 24/7: Late Capitalism and the Ends of Sleep, Jonathan Crary, author and Columbia University professor, describes in detail how market logic has imposed itself into every extension of workers' daily lives.
"Time for human rest and regeneration is now simply too expensive to be structurally possible within contemporary capitalism."
Being always-on is hard work, and it is how we are raising the next generations, and it's not for nothing. Not for employers anyway. There will always be an opportunity to seize the moment for employees willing to grind, but it comes at a high cost to others.
For those living an overstimulated hyperalert lifestyle, the nuance wears off quickly and, if we’re being honest with ourselves, the pipe dream that’s being pandered was never that alluring in the first place—once we saw past the smoke and mirrors. But for employers, it's a fantasy come true, and they have become experts at packaging and selling this exhausted narrative. Kids These Days - The Making of Millennials by Malcolm Harris
But back to the point, the fear of success (not of failure) holds us back. Because this hyperalert, always-on lifestyle doesn’t feel like a success. And if you’ve lived this life, you can probably relate no matter your generation.
Let’s take a moment to break down the individual words here. After all, lest we forget, words have meaning. Merriam Webster defines the essential meaning of fear as “an unpleasant emotion caused by being aware of the danger: a feeling of being afraid.” Whereas failure is “a situation or occurrence in which something does not work as it should.” While success’s definition is “the correct or desired result of an attempt.”
So, by those definitions, fear of failure is an unpleasant emotion about how something should work out. Essentially, fear (no matter the flavor) doesn’t live outside our minds and emotions.
We have been conditioned to understand and accept the fear of failure as the primary emotion that keeps us stuck. But I argue that isn’t the case. Yes, the conditioning of fear is genuine. Plus, a healthy dose of fear keeps us safe, whereas an overreaction to this emotion keeps us stuck. But what is on the other side of fear?
We have all tried and failed. So are we addicted to the pain? Are we masochists? Do we hold onto this pain because we identify with it so profoundly? This fear of failure. Do we not know who we are without fear or pain? Do we accept and cling to the familiar feeling for no other reason than because it is comfortable?
“Maybe I hold on to the pain because I don’t know who I am without.” — Blake Auden
This questioning from the collective is perhaps most evident in what we are calling (limitedly so) The Great Resignation. For many already taking part in this movement, these not-so-light choices have been reassessed and measured against what gives our lives meaning. At heart, many Americans are searching for a true redesign of what work-life balance means in their lives. “... a forced reckoning with what matters in light of the pandemic—and what resigning is leading them to do next.”
There comes the point along your path where the path fades. It is then that you realize that the path is within. The light inside guides us home, it is the lighthouse of your soul. You have navigated the rough waters, immeasurable depths, and jagged edges to find yourself here, at the foot of your lighthouse.
That is when you find your light. It has always been there, waiting for you to uncover it. But now, it is time to carry it forward. And truth be told, you have been preparing for this for lifetimes.
It is here on Earth, the connection to your humanness, where you find your truth—your light.
Spoiler, it has nothing to do with your output, your human capital.
But old habits die hard.
“We allow this unlimited suffering just to validate the story is true.” — Mark Groves, Mark Groves Podcast “Quit Your Day Job” - with Cathy Heller
Perhaps it is blind faith that leads. Maybe it is a deep inner knowing that it is not the entire truth no matter what reality appears. At this critical point, we are stepping into a new truth, writing not a new chapter but a new story. One where success (as defined by each of us) leads the way. It doesn’t mean that the fear goes away, we have simply changed the narrative.
“Stepping into a new story. Often, we get so used to the level we are on that it could feel scary to go to the next level because we have to step forward into a new way of being, navigating, and stretching ourselves into the unknown. We get addicted to the pain, limitations, trauma, and stories that keep us at the level we currently are on- because it's easy to navigate/maintain, it's all we've ever known, and we fear the responsibilities that may come on the next level.
We fear if we let go and fully step into a higher level, we will not relate to our roots anymore, our family/friends, that we won't be saved, and even more so that we would have to save ourselves. Letting go of all we have ever known is you finally setting yourself free, protecting yourself, and being the hero/main character in your own story!
The new level you won't know how to navigate at first, but you will.”
If we can learn it, we can unlearn it, we can realign. In that same breath, give yourself time. Remember, unlearning is often more challenging and more time-consuming.
We keep telling ourselves that we aren’t worthy of feeling good, and society has programmed us to feel that way. Like, the only way we are worthy of feeling good is to grind. We grind away at our “day job” to earn the vacation, the house, the car, the time off, the XYZ. Right?
But we were born worthy. It is our divine right to be worthy of living! Showing up as we are. Showing up with our little backpack of gifts and tools and offering them to the collective. Unwrapping our little rucksack, splaying our items out in front of us, and saying, “how can these serve?” “How can I be of service with the unique tools I’ve been given?”
This isn’t to say that we need to search for something outside of ourselves to “fix.” No. This is about taking what breaks our hearts open and combining what lights us up.
It is about burying the bullshit, surrendering to the unknown, releasing control, and following the light within, as it has always known the way. Don’t fear the success that is your birthright. This is your time to take up space and shine your light!
